Rewriting this first sentence after having written the rest, I thought I was going one way with this, but ended up in a more awesome place.
Living half of my entire current life with an active chronic illness has caused me to form a set of thoughts and beliefs that served me well while I was sick, but are not serving my highest good now that I have been in good health for over a year.
Many of these thoughts concern needing to rest and cutting myself way too much slack for not doing the things I need to for my personal happiness.
Honestly though, I never really had a good work ethic before my illness set in at age 17. I was always able to get great grades in school without much effort, and my budding narcissism made me believe that I was great at everything else without trying too. Although in hindsight, I was good at things, but idk about great.
The 80's & 90's were interesting times to grow up as well with the self-esteem movement and a great economy, and then the tech boom - felt like everything would just happen for us because we were special. At least it was that way for me.
One of the reasons I'm so grateful for my chronic illness is it really fucking humbled me.
Showed me that shit would not be coming so easy at all.
Interesting how we can quickly forget some thoughts and seemingly never forget others.
I often forget how really fucking hard I worked to get better.
I tell myself that I don't know what hard work is and I don't know how to do it now, but that's not true. I've worked very hard in many non-traditional ways throughout my life to survive and be quite content, even in v challenging situations.
But I want more. I want a lot more.
Calling on one of my favorite quotes here - "I didn't come this far to only come this far!"
I want to share all that I've been through and all that I've learned along the way in the hopes of helping others.
I want to create a dope yoga community focused on continual healing and growth, even though I am so afraid of connection and accountability.
Circling back to the thinking that I can't forget from my days of being debilitated 75% of the time, I did not want to attempt to be close to anyone. I didn't want anyone to see how I really had to live. I didn't want to cancel on them over and over and over again. Even worse, I didn't want to try to force myself to go out and be wanting to cry the whole time because I'm so tired and in so much pain. Having plans was my actual nightmare.
But my chronic illness has been somewhat under control for a few years now and almost completely under control for the past year, so it would serve me best to let go of the old chronic illness state of mind that, rightfully so, told me I couldn't do so many things. The one that wouldn't let me make any plans for the near or far future. That just trying to survive mindset.
Acknowledging its existence is the first step to a solution to any problem. I've known this for a little while now, but perhaps getting it out there is my next step here. And then remembering the state of mind from my chronic illness that got me back to a place of health for myself so that I can even possibly be able to be of service to others.
The next I have negative, fearful, or plain unproductive thoughts regarding my abilities now, I will recall what I told myself so many times as I was saving my own life:
Just keep taking those steps forward because
wtf else are you going to do babygirl, curl up and die?
You have something to share with the world.